December 2013

At the moment, I am experiencing conflicted emotions.  I suppose it's not really a NEW thing...but there are times that I feel overwhelmed.  Now would be one of those times.

I try my hardest to make sure everything goes smoothly.  Whether it is in the office, at home, with my family, with my kids, with my husband, with my friends, etc...  The unfortunate part of that would be the lack of reciprocation!  At what point is enough, ENOUGH?

One of the biggest issues is that I feel unappreciated.  There is no "GOOD JOB" or pat on the back or even a "thank you".  But rest assured, when the shit gets real...I can have my ass handed to me!  What is that?  It wouldn't be so bad if I could fill up on appreciation from one place and the other would drain it.  But when Home and Work drain...who the hell refills?????  The holiday season definitely takes more out than it puts back.

I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but it is rare to get a Thank You from them.  It's more like...I want, I need, Give Me, Give Me, Give Me!  I totally get that.  And work....Just do your job.  You earn a check to get it done so JUST DO IT and be happy with your pay.  Alrighty then.  But my husband?  The person that is supposed to be my "partner"...can't seem to do anything but complain about everything!  There is no happy place unless he is getting exactly what he wants and controlling all of the puppets in the house.  Pffft!  I am extremely tired of being a puppet!  I am tired of being a MAID!  I am tired of working all day and getting home to work even more.  I cook dinner and there is ALWAYS something said about it.  You know what?  I am NOT the only person that can cook in the house!  I don't come home and sit down in front of the tv and wait for my dinner to be prepared, put on my plate and served to me on the table!

It was last week or week before that he was in charge of dinner.  I get home and sit down to relax...then I basically get yelled at to go help finish up so everyone can eat!  "I'm NOT cutting up the steak for fajitas...Can't you DO THAT so we can eat?"  Not exactly GET OFF YOUR ASS and HELP ME but it sure felt like it!  No one helps me with dinner.  Why can't I have a night off?

Oh this isn't the only thing.  This has been building for a while.  He goes to the deer lease all the time.  Not every weekend, but it is pretty close.  While he is gone, I still have to vacuum the house, get all of the laundry done, make sure things are decent and relatively tidy when he come home....and don't let the TV mess up.  Oh HELL NO!  If he can't work the remote, you might as well get back...its gonna fly across the room.  What do I do, I take it away, get it working properly and then walk away.  WHAT IS THIS???  WHAT THE HELL has happened around here?  It's sad. That is what it all boils down to.

Yes, I am a little bent right now.  A while back I started looking for a used car for Haylee.  During the process, I somehow got distracted by a shiny new car.  Yes..I began to experience the NEW CAR FEVER!  So, just out of curiosity, I filled out a credit application.  IT WAS APPROVED!!!  This is a miracle in and of itself.  My credit has been so bad since the divorce from JACKASS and the whole house in Kaufman issue.  I was extremely excited about this!!  So I found this awesome new vehicle and then told my husband about it and thought that he would just go right on down to the dealership with me and sign off of it.  WOW!  I was in for a RUDE awakening.  I start talking about it and he gives me this look.  It's the look of "WTF were you thinking?  I AM THE ONLY PERSON AROUND HERE THAT MAKES THESE TYPES OF DECISIONS...and THIS IS NOT A BENEFIT TO ME SO HELL NO!"  So he asks what the interest rate is and how much the car is and how much the payments would be.  I tell him that they will go up but I never ask for anything so I should be able to do this.  Then he asks for copies of our bank statement for a few months, the credit card/monthly expense spreadsheet (that i keep up with everymonth), and the AT&T Uverse bill for a couple of months.  I provide all of this information to him the next day.  I am certain that when he sees all of the money he spends on the travel back and forth to the deer lease, and all of the money he spends at breakfast/lunch on a daily basis, that he will TOTALLY SEE MY SIDE and say yes!  Ummmm, not so fast!  He starts looking at everything and says...well, we need to pay off some of these credit cards and you need to cancel the cable.  WHAT??????????  Cancel the cable?  NO.  That is the only thing I have!  So...I say, I will pay the minimum on x, y and z and pay off U and V this month.  Then that covers the extra on the new car payment :)  He says...Not right now.  I kept trying to get him to understand that 10-15 dollars per day on his breakfast and lunches and the 75 each way in gas going to the deer lease, and the groceries and the deer corn and all of the other shit he has to have out there AND all of the gun shows and spending 100-500 dollars at each of them, while I am not spending anything is NOT FAIR to ME!  It is also not fair that I never ask for anything and this is important to me because it will help build my credit back from the hellhole it has been in for the past several years.  He never says no...he just says Not Right Now.

So why can't I have the same privileges as my partner?  Why must I be in charge of paying all of the bills?  grocery shopping?  house keeping?  dinner?  serving?  tv remote fixing?  staying home working on chores while he is away on a hunting vacation all the damn time?  I'm tired.  I'm stressed.  I am NOT HAPPY!

I can't even talk to him.  All I get is "Oh Honey". And if there is an "I'm sorry", its usually because I have been brought to tears....and then the I'm sorry doesn't really mean anything other than I'm sorry that you got yourself into this mess because you knew what a slob I was and how out of control my shit was before you came into this house.  Yes...I did.  So there it is...my fault.

I failed to mention that when I started in on the whole new car thing...I got a little upset and said WHATEVER! and went to bed.  That was the night before the ice storm (icepocolypse 2013) hit.   He packed his stuff and left for the deer lease the next morning...for 5 days.  He comes home and I let it go for a few days.  Then I start talking about it again and he says nothing.  Not right now is really all I get.  But...I see that he hasn't stopped spending 10-15 a day on breakfast and lunch.  I also see where he has spent close to $500 on one of the credit cards since this stuff started.  And here I am....bitching.

I know this is a pity party.  I am not looking for pity.  I am looking for another perspective.  What am I missing?

Sunday, I cooked dinner and served it (like always).  Immediately he said WHAT DID YOU PUT ON THIS? (the chicken)  I baked it in BBQ sauce.  He was pissed off for some reason and dinner just happened to intensify the feeling.  Of course I used all of the bbq sauce in the pan and he couldn't get the spatula to put the juice on his chicken so he just got madder and madder.  When he sat back down, I told him to get a spoon.  He raised his voice and said STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW!  Yes, that brought me to tears...I had to leave the table to dry my eyes so that no one saw me cry...he never bothered to say he was sorry.  Nothing at all, actually!  Yes, the Cowboys lost the game.  Yes, there is a full moon coming.  But...this isn't really anything new.  It is just intensified.  

Yesterday morning he told me good bye before he left.  When he got home, I asked what he wanted for dinner.  He said it didn't matter.  I waited for him because I needed to go to the grocery store.  I am tired of this apparent disappointment I bring.  It is super frustrating!  I can't believe that I have created all of this.  Why am I blamed for all of the shit and get no credit for anything good?????????????  I got the grocery thing done and dinner made quickly...then I went to bed.

This morning...not even a goodbye.

It is looking like I need to get my act together and look for an apartment.  Here we go.  I got rid of everything when we combined our lives.  He lost nothing.  Now, here I sit with a whole lot less than I came into this with...including my self esteem and self respect.  WOW!  What a cluster of BS.

I guess its a good thing I don't have the new car with the extra payments.  That is one thing I can be thankful for.  It still sucks!

I need a therapist!  I also need to hit the lottery!  I am not feeling very happy.    

Finding my voice...

I challenged myself, during the month of August, to find gratitude in my daily experiences.  I knew that I had many things to be grateful for, but I did not express those things out loud.  Matter of fact, during the process, I realized that I do not express much of anything.  Oh sure, I can share photos and links to other pages, post random RANTS, or talk about this that or the other...just like everone else.  But, during the past 26 days, I actually think I have found my voice.

I have a lot to say about a variety of topics.  All from my perspective/opinion, of course.  But that is what makes me...who I am.  The truth is, sometimes you have to have a meltdown to experience a breakthrough.  The unfortunate part of that is, when you do it in a public place, in front of people who know you (some better than others), you receive comments or private posts that may not be all that positive!  I can honestly say that I have acknowledged and accepted those messages with an open heart.  I have thanked those individuals for their perception.  I have learned a few things about others, as well as myself.  All of that being said, I am grateful for the experience, which has lead me to this blog.

I won't spend much time on here for the next few days.  I have to complete my challenge in the Facebook forum.  That is what I set out to do.  I cannot promise that I will post on a daily basis, either.  I will promise to use this outlet as an honest expression of my thoughts and feelings, and continue to figure out and resolve issues that have weighed me down for a very long time.

Denial and anger have taken up space in my life for far too long.  It is time for acceptance, learning the lessons and living in the present.  It's all about right now!  If I continue to dwell on past situations, circumstances or relationships gone wrong...I am denying myself the pleasure of releasing those things I cannot change.  I have the ability to live my life with an open heart, full of love, happiness, joy, and peace of mind.

I am grateful for where I am today...and looking forward to what each moment forward will bring!

In the beginning....Blog Start-Up :)

I began working through issues on Facebook.  Yes, I realize that it is a public forum...but my personal page is private...only friends and family have access.  I have been trying to figure out where to begin a blog...so here I am!